FAKE FRIENDS

Hm where can i start with this topic? Well, I decided to talk about this because today has shown me a lot; who my real friends are and who my fake friends are. I’m so surprised with the amount of people who i thought were my best friends. I should have known better. It hurts me in some way because i thought they were genuinely my best friends. Someone who would be there for me, someone who wouldn’t talk behind my back but i guess i thought wrong. They proved me wrong today. In this case it was disappointing to be proven wrong.  I just wish i knew from the start now, i wish i knew so i wouldn’t have made all these mistakes by telling them everything. Everything that only me and they know. I just wish they still have a sense decency not to share it with the world. The thing that made me hate myself even more is that this kind of thing happened before. I could have stopped it there. But i didn’t. Why? Because i thought they could change. Learn from their mistake. I gave them another chance but they threw it away without any thoughts behind it.  I shared all my secrets, my personal thoughts about someone. It’s a shame they couldn’t keep it as a secret. I thought i knew them well enough to be able to trust me. I never guessed that they’d turned out to be this kind of people and that’s what hurts the most. I don’t understand. Why would you want to pretend to be friend with someone, what do you get out of it? It’s an absolute joke. A joke that isn’t even funny. It’s a joke that hurts people. But if that’s what you wanted. Then well done because it did hurt. Do you want a fucking medal or something? *sigh* Losing a friend is hard for me. It’s going to be a massive change but i guess changes are needed. I’m tired being the one who always defend and supports you but oh, this is all i get. You saying things behind my back. I’m sick of it. It needs to stop and it will stop. I’m going to learn from this. I’m going to be careful on who to trust. I need to improve my skill on choosing the right friend. You’re just nothing than a fake friend to me now. 

Memories

Have you ever had one of those nights where it's raining outside and you have nothing to do so you just listen to music in bed all day; depressing music to be precise. And a random song comes on and suddenly it brings back so many memories; memories that has been made a long time ago. Some memories can just make you smile out of nowhere. It brings happiness and smiles. It makes you realized what a great life you have, what a great memory you've made in the past. It made you thankful to have that memory. Such a shame that doesn't happen often though. The pouring rain outside just symbolizes the tears pouring from my both of eyes; tears that's coming from remembering the memories. This is the kind of memories that hurt. Memories that you wish you never had. You wish you could just delete but you can't and that's the worse thing about it. You want to forget about it but it haunts you everywhere you go. It can't go away because you've made mistakes in that memory and the sad thing is you can't change it, even if you want to, even if you try to. This memory only consist of regrets. You remember every single word that was said. Everything. Every single detail. Only if i did this, only if i did that, every single thing you could have done instead come to your head. Imagining if you said a different word, if you stayed there a little longer, if you talk more. It messes with your head. It then messes with your life. This really does hurt me sometime. Or is this just me?

INTRO

Lately i've been thinking about a lot of things and some of them are just so hard to explain. They're all stuck in my head, i'd like to share it with someone. Me,rambling out a load of shit but right now i don't have that someone. I don't have anyone that i could trust with all my thought. You might think, what about your friends? "Friends" haha lol that's another subject to talk about but yeah i thought i'd be a great way to write it down and have people reading it & maybe some of you might feel the same way. Sharing my thoughts on here means that everyone can read it and yes it is a scary thing but i have to start somewhere. I'm not good with introducing my self but my name is Alya. You probably don't even care but yeah i guess every introduction has to have a self background about the person. I'd love it if you read my future post and maybe comment about how you feel about it or if there's any problem with your life and maybe i can try to help and support you somehow but please don't expect much from me and this blog

This is my face if you're wondering what i look like which you probably didn't. Sorry if it hurts your eyes from my ugliness lol

You'll probably thinking "are you chinese?" or something like that because i get asked that question a lot so i'm just gonna put it out there, no I AM NOT CHINESE. i'm from Indonesia ((it's a country about Australia)) but i live in the England at the moment. ok i should probably stop talking or writing in this case lol bye