Mondays

*sigh*
Mondays are just generally shit, it's that day where i just simply can not be arsed to do anything, not even talking to people, it's too much effort. I just want to listen to music all day but guess what, i left my earphones at home, omfg i literally could not cope. And then i've got all these fake bitches trying to talk to me, oh dear, no i just can't be bothered to pretend that i want to talk to you, no, not today darling.
But today, woah, it was like hell. I hated every second of it. I can't even explain how much i hated today. Everyone was just so fucking annoying omg ugh, even my best friends. I literally got to the point where i was just stood in the toilet trying to calm myself down, i felt like crying at that time. This is exactly why i hate myself so much, i'm so sensitive, little things hits me hard. Holding up my tears is like the hardest thing ever for me and i can tell you right now, it feel so shit. I was just stood in the toilet not knowing what to do. I felt like i had no one to go to. I felt so isolated and i just couldn't handle it anymore.
It basically started when one of my best friend, let's call her A talked to our ex-best friend, let's just call her X and i have no problem at all with that because it's their friendship and i'm no one to stop my best friend talking to whoever she wants to talk to ((even though i don't like her, never did and probably never will.)) But it became a problem when i felt like my best friend - the only people i knew in that lesson, was ignoring me. At first i let it go and i just thought i'll continue doing my work - which is unusual. But that's the only thing i could do. My mouth went so dry as i didn't speak at all that lesson and it suddenly became so hard for me to talk without getting lumps at the back of my throat. I talked to her about how i felt and she said sorry. I just let it go because i knew it wasn't her intention and i love her so much.
But it didn't stop there. Maths was absolutely awful. We had to go to next room as we had to go on MyMaths and she ran in order to get a table, so i shouted "save me a seat" as i pack up my things. When i enter the room, she was sat next to X. I wasn't surprised at all to be honest. But A knew that i'm not too keen on anyone that sat on that table and she decided to sit next to my best friend - the only person i'd obviously sit next to. This just show that X doesn't want me to sit there. So i grabbed a laptop and sat on another table - with people i hardly know. My best friend obviously noticed this and she came up to me. She tried to win me over and get me to sit on that table. The words she used such as "don't leave me alone", "come on, we always do this together" made me feel so bad and i couch down under the table wiping my tears. I obviously would but it was just the case that i'm too scared to overcome the awkwardness that will happen. I'm not good at all dealing with these situations. I then went to the toilet when the lesson ended - trying to hold up my tears. I walked out and found my other best friend, let's call her B and she asked where A was, so i told her what i happened. She moaned and said "ugh i hate it when this happen" deep down inside, i felt the same thing. We went to Deli - which is our canteen and oo guess what, we found X, what a fucking surprised. So B asked her where A is and all i heard was "oh Alya (which is me) left her and she was so upset" How do you think that made me feel? I felt like the shittest friend going but it wasn't my intention at all. I never meant for this to happen. I felt like shouting at X saying that all this wouldn't happen if it wasn't for you. My level of hatred towards her grew higher and higher.
I was dreading lunch time because i knew something is going to happen. And i wasn't wrong. They came and sat with us. I felt like saying one of Mean Girls quote "you can't sit with us" but A and B liked them and i'm no one to stop them. By this time, i finished eating my food and i felt so isolated. Everyone was talking to each other and i was just sat there doing absolutely fuck all and i felt rude if i try and join the conversation because X once said to me "You're not in this conversation" and i just, i can't even describe how much i hated that. Every sound just gradually blurred out and i was just in my own little world, all alone with no one to talk to, no one. There are a lot more things happened today but i'm too weak to write now. Too weak to remember it all and write it down in words. Some people might have an even worse day than this but for me, this was just a lot for me to take in.
The purpose of this was to let out my feelings because if i kept them in, i'll just feel even worse. And also if my best friend ever come across this, i just want to say I love you so much and i never want to loose you. I'm sorry if something i did today upset you. I'm just so tired of people taking away what's mine and i don't want them to take you away from me because that's how i feel right now. And for X, thanks for everything, thanks a lot. Could always count on you to make me feel like shit. Do you want a medal or some shit?! I genuinely hate you so much and once i hate someone, my opinion will never change.
If you're reading up to this part, then i am so thankful. Thank you, because it means that you cared for me and people caring about me doesn't happen very often.
Once again, thank you for reading about me rambling on about shit
Alya x

FAKE FRIENDS

Hm where can i start with this topic? Well, I decided to talk about this because today has shown me a lot; who my real friends are and who my fake friends are. I’m so surprised with the amount of people who i thought were my best friends. I should have known better. It hurts me in some way because i thought they were genuinely my best friends. Someone who would be there for me, someone who wouldn’t talk behind my back but i guess i thought wrong. They proved me wrong today. In this case it was disappointing to be proven wrong.  I just wish i knew from the start now, i wish i knew so i wouldn’t have made all these mistakes by telling them everything. Everything that only me and they know. I just wish they still have a sense decency not to share it with the world. The thing that made me hate myself even more is that this kind of thing happened before. I could have stopped it there. But i didn’t. Why? Because i thought they could change. Learn from their mistake. I gave them another chance but they threw it away without any thoughts behind it.  I shared all my secrets, my personal thoughts about someone. It’s a shame they couldn’t keep it as a secret. I thought i knew them well enough to be able to trust me. I never guessed that they’d turned out to be this kind of people and that’s what hurts the most. I don’t understand. Why would you want to pretend to be friend with someone, what do you get out of it? It’s an absolute joke. A joke that isn’t even funny. It’s a joke that hurts people. But if that’s what you wanted. Then well done because it did hurt. Do you want a fucking medal or something? *sigh* Losing a friend is hard for me. It’s going to be a massive change but i guess changes are needed. I’m tired being the one who always defend and supports you but oh, this is all i get. You saying things behind my back. I’m sick of it. It needs to stop and it will stop. I’m going to learn from this. I’m going to be careful on who to trust. I need to improve my skill on choosing the right friend. You’re just nothing than a fake friend to me now. 

Memories

Have you ever had one of those nights where it's raining outside and you have nothing to do so you just listen to music in bed all day; depressing music to be precise. And a random song comes on and suddenly it brings back so many memories; memories that has been made a long time ago. Some memories can just make you smile out of nowhere. It brings happiness and smiles. It makes you realized what a great life you have, what a great memory you've made in the past. It made you thankful to have that memory. Such a shame that doesn't happen often though. The pouring rain outside just symbolizes the tears pouring from my both of eyes; tears that's coming from remembering the memories. This is the kind of memories that hurt. Memories that you wish you never had. You wish you could just delete but you can't and that's the worse thing about it. You want to forget about it but it haunts you everywhere you go. It can't go away because you've made mistakes in that memory and the sad thing is you can't change it, even if you want to, even if you try to. This memory only consist of regrets. You remember every single word that was said. Everything. Every single detail. Only if i did this, only if i did that, every single thing you could have done instead come to your head. Imagining if you said a different word, if you stayed there a little longer, if you talk more. It messes with your head. It then messes with your life. This really does hurt me sometime. Or is this just me?

INTRO

Lately i've been thinking about a lot of things and some of them are just so hard to explain. They're all stuck in my head, i'd like to share it with someone. Me,rambling out a load of shit but right now i don't have that someone. I don't have anyone that i could trust with all my thought. You might think, what about your friends? "Friends" haha lol that's another subject to talk about but yeah i thought i'd be a great way to write it down and have people reading it & maybe some of you might feel the same way. Sharing my thoughts on here means that everyone can read it and yes it is a scary thing but i have to start somewhere. I'm not good with introducing my self but my name is Alya. You probably don't even care but yeah i guess every introduction has to have a self background about the person. I'd love it if you read my future post and maybe comment about how you feel about it or if there's any problem with your life and maybe i can try to help and support you somehow but please don't expect much from me and this blog

This is my face if you're wondering what i look like which you probably didn't. Sorry if it hurts your eyes from my ugliness lol

You'll probably thinking "are you chinese?" or something like that because i get asked that question a lot so i'm just gonna put it out there, no I AM NOT CHINESE. i'm from Indonesia ((it's a country about Australia)) but i live in the England at the moment. ok i should probably stop talking or writing in this case lol bye