Mondays

*sigh*
Mondays are just generally shit, it's that day where i just simply can not be arsed to do anything, not even talking to people, it's too much effort. I just want to listen to music all day but guess what, i left my earphones at home, omfg i literally could not cope. And then i've got all these fake bitches trying to talk to me, oh dear, no i just can't be bothered to pretend that i want to talk to you, no, not today darling.
But today, woah, it was like hell. I hated every second of it. I can't even explain how much i hated today. Everyone was just so fucking annoying omg ugh, even my best friends. I literally got to the point where i was just stood in the toilet trying to calm myself down, i felt like crying at that time. This is exactly why i hate myself so much, i'm so sensitive, little things hits me hard. Holding up my tears is like the hardest thing ever for me and i can tell you right now, it feel so shit. I was just stood in the toilet not knowing what to do. I felt like i had no one to go to. I felt so isolated and i just couldn't handle it anymore.
It basically started when one of my best friend, let's call her A talked to our ex-best friend, let's just call her X and i have no problem at all with that because it's their friendship and i'm no one to stop my best friend talking to whoever she wants to talk to ((even though i don't like her, never did and probably never will.)) But it became a problem when i felt like my best friend - the only people i knew in that lesson, was ignoring me. At first i let it go and i just thought i'll continue doing my work - which is unusual. But that's the only thing i could do. My mouth went so dry as i didn't speak at all that lesson and it suddenly became so hard for me to talk without getting lumps at the back of my throat. I talked to her about how i felt and she said sorry. I just let it go because i knew it wasn't her intention and i love her so much.
But it didn't stop there. Maths was absolutely awful. We had to go to next room as we had to go on MyMaths and she ran in order to get a table, so i shouted "save me a seat" as i pack up my things. When i enter the room, she was sat next to X. I wasn't surprised at all to be honest. But A knew that i'm not too keen on anyone that sat on that table and she decided to sit next to my best friend - the only person i'd obviously sit next to. This just show that X doesn't want me to sit there. So i grabbed a laptop and sat on another table - with people i hardly know. My best friend obviously noticed this and she came up to me. She tried to win me over and get me to sit on that table. The words she used such as "don't leave me alone", "come on, we always do this together" made me feel so bad and i couch down under the table wiping my tears. I obviously would but it was just the case that i'm too scared to overcome the awkwardness that will happen. I'm not good at all dealing with these situations. I then went to the toilet when the lesson ended - trying to hold up my tears. I walked out and found my other best friend, let's call her B and she asked where A was, so i told her what i happened. She moaned and said "ugh i hate it when this happen" deep down inside, i felt the same thing. We went to Deli - which is our canteen and oo guess what, we found X, what a fucking surprised. So B asked her where A is and all i heard was "oh Alya (which is me) left her and she was so upset" How do you think that made me feel? I felt like the shittest friend going but it wasn't my intention at all. I never meant for this to happen. I felt like shouting at X saying that all this wouldn't happen if it wasn't for you. My level of hatred towards her grew higher and higher.
I was dreading lunch time because i knew something is going to happen. And i wasn't wrong. They came and sat with us. I felt like saying one of Mean Girls quote "you can't sit with us" but A and B liked them and i'm no one to stop them. By this time, i finished eating my food and i felt so isolated. Everyone was talking to each other and i was just sat there doing absolutely fuck all and i felt rude if i try and join the conversation because X once said to me "You're not in this conversation" and i just, i can't even describe how much i hated that. Every sound just gradually blurred out and i was just in my own little world, all alone with no one to talk to, no one. There are a lot more things happened today but i'm too weak to write now. Too weak to remember it all and write it down in words. Some people might have an even worse day than this but for me, this was just a lot for me to take in.
The purpose of this was to let out my feelings because if i kept them in, i'll just feel even worse. And also if my best friend ever come across this, i just want to say I love you so much and i never want to loose you. I'm sorry if something i did today upset you. I'm just so tired of people taking away what's mine and i don't want them to take you away from me because that's how i feel right now. And for X, thanks for everything, thanks a lot. Could always count on you to make me feel like shit. Do you want a medal or some shit?! I genuinely hate you so much and once i hate someone, my opinion will never change.
If you're reading up to this part, then i am so thankful. Thank you, because it means that you cared for me and people caring about me doesn't happen very often.
Once again, thank you for reading about me rambling on about shit
Alya x